Subject #002 - Roots Search: Life Devourer X

Or - Nothing Says God's Wrath Like Tentacle Monsters

I'm going to start this entry off by saying this one was meant to go up earlier this week.  Due to technical difficulty, however, it was delayed.  When I say technical difficulty, I mean my computer, rather inexplicably, began to lag to Hell and back several times playing this, including fully shutting down at one point.  Considering the myriad of bad films I've played on this thing to date, that says something right there.  My computer hates this one more than I do.

Now without further ado, let's take a look at the little monster, shall we?

This week we're going a ways back in time, to the wonderful age of the mid-80s and the OVA boom of the day.  For anyone not familiar with this, this was part of the phase when anime was on the rise as a big industry.  Not surprisingly, this meant a lot of people wanted to invest in it.  This lead to a lot of companies throwing sponsorships in, often times for straight to video one off projects.  Much like the initial 'straight to video' boom of the US, though animated and skirting more than just the sex restrictions that were so often an issue here.

Some of the OVAs of this era have gone on to be hailed as classics and are still praised in some circles to this day.  Sturgeon's law being what it is, however, quite a few are then cast aside as failed experiments where something or other just didn't work out.

One of these, and this week's consideration, is the 1986 OVA Roots Search.

Alongside getting greenlit during the boom where just about anything with a willing staff and some financial backing could get animated, Roots Search was also riding in part on something of a more timeless trend and one that was also in pretty full swing on this side of the Pacific as well at the time - the fine art of imitation.  In this case, Ridley Scott's 1979 movie Alien had pretty well pumped life back into the idea of the sci-fi monster movie, and sure enough, many other productions jumped on board trying to catch the fever.

It's with this in mind we begin this little story with our designated small cadre of victims - researchers on the far off space station Tolmeckius.  The four-man crew: senior scientist Marcus, ESPer test subject Moira, Moira's boyfriend Scott, and Norman, who seems to be just there as far as this movie's concerned, are carrying out research on psychic abilities, though strangely it seems only two of them are actually invested in the research, and one of them largely for the sake of having plot-related visions.  But, most of these people exist to die, so no sense getting too worried about that for now.

 Let the record show, this is how they choose to show
us that Moira and Scott are a couple.  Maybe it's just the
translation, or the fact this is rushed development, but this
just feels more inadvertently creepy than it should for what was
probably meant to be a passing joke. 

Their research gets cut off when they receive signal of a ship coming barreling out of warp space.  For the record, we TECHNICALLY get a look at these guys beforehand, but it's largely just through a montage of them getting wiped out.  So really all that amounts to here is affirming the rule that any sci-fi film taught that the station crew will break - a spaceship set adrift = automatic death sentence.

Even BEFORE they find this thing.

 

On the ship our brave yet foolhardy team find three things - a wounded survivor, a load of corpses, and the suspiciously faced alien pictured above.  Of those, the wounded person is set aside at first while only Marcus seems to deduce that the distinctly creepy alien is probably why everyone else is dead.  On his orders, they jettison the Freudian-faced being.

...and then the trouble starts.

One by one the crew are now being picked off by a mysterious assailant who can read their minds and play on their worst traumas.  The previous ship's sole survivor, Buzz, confirms the suspicion the alien is responsible, but can only offer a healthy dose of paranoia as the small group are whittled down one by one in rather messy ways.

Given the OVA is only 45 minutes long, it's only a few victims in before the alien decides 'subtlety be damned' and turns the entire ship into a tentacle riddled den of horrors that'd do David Cronenberg one proud.  As you can guess from all of that, story isn't really a strong suit of this OVA.  This all being without getting into the big reveal of the last act where

...there's really nothing I can't say here that you probably aren't
already thinking, is there?

SPOILER
The alien proclaims itself a messenger of God that seeks to punish all of mankind for its sins.  As reveals go, this one doesn't really go very far.  We're not even left with an idea of if it's a bluff or just an excuse for the OVA's altogether vague finale.

THIS is the proclaimed messenger of God, for the record.

Sort of underwhelming, isn't it?

END SPOILER

Granted, the entire basic story in and of itself probably wouldn't have been winning any awards as it is, but the running time certainly doesn't help matters.  At 45 minutes, one can only generate just so much suspense, especially from a monster that preys on the psyches of people we barely know.  It also doesn't help that this baby is the sole effort of its director, Hisashi Sugai (well...this and a production credit on M.D. Geist.)  Though the script was in a bit more experienced hands thanks to Michiru Shimada having already cut her teeth on a couple of titles prior (including Dirty Pair and Urusei Yatsura.)

Of course, likewise, with time constraints even she can only manage so much here.  Even the voice cast, despite containing numerous established and, at this point respected actors, can really only generate just so much interest in a group we know are mostly doomed before this is all over.  The fictional characters don't even seem to feel terribly invested in their own plight at times.  When they find one of their comrades viciously impaled by large chunks of metal that seem to have been formed out of nowhere, one would think they would try to get his corpse down or at least question how the Hell those large chunks got into his quarters.  Instead, they move on to the next scene and talking about how pleasant looking out at the stars is.

No.  Really.

We go from the above.

To this.

Did everyone hate Marcus THAT much? 
Or are they hoping Norman will clean it up?

In terms of technical aspects, the animation's actually not bad.  Nothing jaw-droppingly spectacular, but certainly a better effort than last week's more recent Mars of Destruction.  Similarly, the art is a step up, if still somewhat generic for an 80s sci-fi one-off of the era.  The music, outside of the rather pleasant end theme by Kumiko Kaori, doesn't age particular well.  In several scenes it comes across feeling a bit too much like someone is just bringing their hands down on the synthesizer keys at random and running with whatever notes are played.  It could certainly be worse, but it doesn't really lend itself well to atmosphere or memorability.

Overall, I can't say with any confidence this one really qualifies as our worst ever yet, though at this point, it's certainly one of the lowest points I've seen so far.  Its overall technical merits are a cut above last week's offering,which gives it a slight edge, though those merits are still just average.  Any good will from that edge, however, is then squandered by the ultimately rushed storyline, vague characters, and rather clumsy twist that never really seems to amount to anything.  It's something of a shame given how many of the people involved in this one were established or would go on to do much better work than this.

...but then, everyone gets a mulligan.

Well, this one was bad.  Though unlike last week's 'everything just fails' this was more of a specialized 'we'll fail in one area so spectacularly it will bring everything else down with it.'  Again, I don't think this is near the bottom yet, though I have to commend them for trying, if only for the fact this leads me to further dread what sort of Lovecraftian monstrosities will await me on further descent.

 ...and speaking of that, let me close by saying,
Either Moira never bothered with theology
Or the Old Testament (aka Insane God) got retconned out
somewhere down the line in this future.

Subject #001 - Mars of Destruction

Or - Yes, There IS a Wrong Way to Use Classical Music

and so, a day after declaring this project open, we begin our hunt for the worst anime ever.

Will I find it? Perhaps, perhaps not...but the chase will be rewarding. Like a grail quest, only instead of the cup of Christ, my treasure is a cracked and faded Big Gulp filled with the leftover contents of an Aristocrats act.
...feel free to imagine your own form of disgust here. Point is, we're going as far from 'sacred relic' as possible here.

Anyway, with that we kick this project off with our first test subject, the 2005 OVA 'Mars of Destruction.'

Now, knowing the backstory behind this title going in, I'll admit my expectations were NOT high. For those not familiar with it, this OVA was made as a promotional tie-in for a visual novel/game released on the PlayStation 2 in Japan.

That's right. It's a 20 minute teaser trailer. Now that expectations have been sufficiently lowered, let's fire this puppy up.

The story begins in 2010 (obligatory joke about how the year passed with no such incident goes here) as a shuttle on the way back from an expedition to Mars explodes on re-entry to Earth. In the years that follow, Earth finds itself attacked by a mysterious group of beings called Ancients. A group that, for the record, takes the prize for probably one of the more underwhelming monster designs I've ever seen in an anime.

...and no, seeing it in action doesn't make it any more threatening.

Especially when you realize that dot in its mouth shoots lasers.
Remember how long ago THAT meme was big on the web?

To counter these monsters, we're introduced to the group AAST, the Anti-Unidentified Ancients Special Team. A specialized team formed to protect people with specialists from various different police organizations...
...
...who are all, if this show is any indication, teenage girls that apparently got bussed out of high school prematurely.

It's either that or future Japan's child labor laws have become INCREDIBLY lax.
Either option seems to hold water as far as anime logic goes.

Of course, they aren't just throwing these well-armed young ladies into the jaws of danger alone, good Heavens no. That would be irresponsible afterall.
Enter the protagonist, young man Takeru Hinata, specialist in...you know, as far as this OVA's concerned, he doesn't really seem to have any specialty...or much personality either. In fact, the one thing he can do is that he's the one human who can wear the super suit known as MARS, and that seems to largely be because of his genetics. It's a pretty passive accomplishment like that. Anyway, said MARS suit allows him to successfully thrash the Ancients where the experts are only able to mostly wound them.

It's amazing what a difference having a suit
that looks like actual armor will make here, isn't it?

That's...really prettymuch all there is to the story. After the opening fight, which plays host to one of the most unintentionally comedic deaths I've seen in an anime in a long time (see below), the story largely concerns a plan to ship some of the earlier mentioned Martian wreckage to America for research. Inevitably, Ancients attack the transport, including one special one who it's pretty clear only Takeru can fight.

No, not the death yet.
Though at least this monster design IS a step up.
Just not a particularly big one...
for a 20 minute feature, this is probably as good as it's gonna get.

Anyway, it's best not to put too much thought into the storyline. It's mostly just a pretense for the fights that ensue, set to various pieces of classical music. The results of which are, at times memorable, though not for the reasons they were meant to be.

and NOW we come to the death

...you know, given how she went, unless they've gained the ability to regrow heads in 2010, one has to wonder why this was particularly necessary.
Then again, it's not like she'd be remembered otherwise.

The rest of the deaths are, despite their rather graphic nature, somehow completely bland affairs. We aren't even left with a sense of horror as the nameless police are ripped apart by Ancients because they barely register as characters. They aren't even animated with eyes for further distancing. It's like being told you just ran over a person only to find out you just hit a traffic cone.

No. Really. I have proof on that 'no eyes' claim.

Unfortunately, as you can guess by the general caliber of these screencaps, this isn't even one you could look back at and think 'at least it looked nice.' The animation makes it pretty clear this was done on a low budget to increase interest in the game.

Come to think of it, 'bare minimum' seems to sum up most of this effort. Nothing really stands out as particularly good or memorable (...by intent, anyway) in the finished product. What story there is, including the big twist at the end, is mostly a pileup of various cliches that have been done before, and better, in other animes. The acting is not bad, but nothing remarkable by any standard. The designs, as you can see by the screencaps, are pretty uninspired, and the animation that goes with them doesn't imbue any extra life onto them. Even the music in this only serves to further undermine any hope of this being remembered for a good reason.
I also just want to say for the record, I'm not just docking this anime points for the decision to use classical music. Because other titles HAVE managed to take classical pieces written for other works and used them to make some downright memorable sequences of their own (Giant Robo, Legend of the Galactic Heroes, and, of course, Neon Genesis Evangelion all come to mind here) but in this case, the choices of music and how they're employed just feel wrong for the scenes in question and often cause the moments to fall flat. Most damning is the fact they manage to take one of the oldest established 'big action' pieces of classical music, Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries' and put it in such a lull of action that you almost don't even realize it's playing unless you're listening for it.

Have I found a winner the first time out? Not really.
This is certainly bad, don't get me wrong, but I can't rightly say I'd call this the worst ever, nice as it would be for this to be the low point. Rather it's an anime that seeks to achieve the minimum and even just barely accomplishes that.
Of course, it still ultimately fails at its main goal in the long run - as a promotional effort for the PS2 disc, I can honestly say this did NOTHING to gain my interest. I would even go so far as to say, if I had any interest in playing this before, this would have probably killed that.

With that, I'm going to close this first file. we're not there yet, but with this half-hearted advertisement for what appears to be a genuinely uninteresting story to begin with for a starting effort, we seem to be on the right track. Keep an eye out in the future as we bring in more test subjects in hopes we'll find the crown jewel of crap.

Till then, keep sending in suggestions. Can never have too much ammo.

...ah, what the Hell, one more time.

I'm just gonna take this as a sign that, when getting all the best in police recruits,
AAST didn't have much of a budget left for medical staff.

From the Files of Things I Will Look Back on With Regret

What you are about to read is an experiment.

Mostly though, it's a combination of mental masochism and one man's stupid quest to find the worst of the worst.

Why?

A combination of things, the primary ones being the horrific pull of a flaming car crash and the fact that, as a general rule, I've found many cases of a 'worst ever' list people post are usually far from accurate and in many cases, simply mediocre works.

Plus, there's the certain experience factor that comes from being able to say you've stomached some of the worst of the worst.
...hey, everyone's got their self-destructive sides, mine just happen to be passive forms of low-yield brain damage.

At this point, we're focusing on just trying to find the worst anime ever made, but in the future this may expand this to cover the worst of the worst in film as well, depending how well this first project goes.

With this in mind, and in order to make the widest dredge possible for this, I'm going to need your help.

Come to think of it, maybe 'help' isn't the right word here.

That's right, dear readers, I'm looking to you for suggestions. Throw me your worst and they shall be judged.

...within a few provisions anyway

1) When I say 'bad' I mean BAD. Don't just suggest some popular show you dislike, find me the weapons grade crap that goes below and beneath the bare minimum standard of quality. THEN we can talk.

2) A series is fine to a degree, but there's no way in Hell I'm gonna go through a 100+ episode trudge of Hell unless this thing is really THAT abominable...and if it managed to do well enough to last that many episodes, I doubt it's probably that bad.

3) Some sort of English translation is preferable. Failing that, at least being able to provide any sort of synopsis would be helpful.

4) For the sake of avoiding the easy road (though this may be a future lightning round) let's leave the Korean knock-off animes out of the running for now. Stick to the purely Japanese crimes against humanity (...not those crimes.)

5) No hentai. Not so much out of decency concerns so much as it just makes it way too easy to throw something out there not because it's completely abominable but simply because it's a porn piece and thus made under a different (read: lower) quality standard.
...on second thought, let's amend this. If you're gonna send in a hentai, make sure it's terrible even by hentai standards. A porn is always gonna look like roadkill next to the films of Kurosawa, but when it manages to make Deep Throat look like an Oscar winner, you KNOW you're onto something special.

Now then, let the games begin. Take your best shot and find me something so completely indefensible I can't even find a trace of good to be found in it.
Maybe there will be a prize in it for the one who finds the worst (...beyond the possibility of my having to restrain myself from trying to murder the one who introduced it to me. Yes, I'm expecting the bottom to be THAT bad.)

Feel free to email or post suggestions here.